Celestia R. Colby diary, p. 43 (August 22, 1858)
Dublin Core
Title
Celestia R. Colby diary, p. 43 (August 22, 1858)
Description
Transcript:
43
[...] under the life giving influence of the summer
sun. Failing, totally failing in this my dearest
aspiration, my soul ["if" crossed out, "is" written above] ever filled with sorrow
and sadness, for the loss to myself and family.
Have been glancing over the foregoing pages,
and fear it is unprofitable work for me to trace on
paper, even these first shadows of the dark thoughts
of my own mind. But still I feel a sort of pleasure
if so strange a feeling may be called a pleasure, in
thus holding silent communion with myself. Yet
perhaps it were better if I never touched the pen, and
one minute I wish I did not love to, the next a
stronger, wild and vehement wish, gushes up from
my inmost soul, that I had time and leisure
to use it at my will. Have been talking with
Mrs Knight to day. It matter little what the theme,
she and I are always on the opposite side.
Wish I could annihilate space to night, and leaving
this body behind to prepare its duties unaided by
the intellect, while the spirit lingered by the side
of distant loved ones, But though the heart travels
away to there, it comes back unsatisfied. Will it
[underlined: "ever be satisfied below,"] ever raise the exultant
Eureka! over the full fruition of all its aspirations?
Never, no never, for this is not the lot of mortals.
43
[...] under the life giving influence of the summer
sun. Failing, totally failing in this my dearest
aspiration, my soul ["if" crossed out, "is" written above] ever filled with sorrow
and sadness, for the loss to myself and family.
Have been glancing over the foregoing pages,
and fear it is unprofitable work for me to trace on
paper, even these first shadows of the dark thoughts
of my own mind. But still I feel a sort of pleasure
if so strange a feeling may be called a pleasure, in
thus holding silent communion with myself. Yet
perhaps it were better if I never touched the pen, and
one minute I wish I did not love to, the next a
stronger, wild and vehement wish, gushes up from
my inmost soul, that I had time and leisure
to use it at my will. Have been talking with
Mrs Knight to day. It matter little what the theme,
she and I are always on the opposite side.
Wish I could annihilate space to night, and leaving
this body behind to prepare its duties unaided by
the intellect, while the spirit lingered by the side
of distant loved ones, But though the heart travels
away to there, it comes back unsatisfied. Will it
[underlined: "ever be satisfied below,"] ever raise the exultant
Eureka! over the full fruition of all its aspirations?
Never, no never, for this is not the lot of mortals.
Creator
Colby, Celestia R. (Celestia Rice), 1827-1900
Source
Colby Family Papers, Dr. Jo Ann Rayfield Archives, Milner Library, Illinois State University (Normal, Illinois)
Rights
<a href="https://rightsstatements.org/page/NoC-US/1.0/?language=en">No copyright - United States</a>
Format
diaries; manuscripts
Language
English
Type
Text
Identifier
CRC_003_L
Files
Citation
Colby, Celestia R. (Celestia Rice), 1827-1900, “Celestia R. Colby diary, p. 43 (August 22, 1858),” Exhibits, accessed February 11, 2025, https://onlineexhibits.library.illinoisstate.edu/exhibits/items/show/19.